Sex Ed

Get your attention?? Thought so.

Disclaimer: you are about to learn way more about me and my family than you may want to know. I'm just saying.... ;) So if you're easily offended, skip it. 'Cause you will be.

Let me give you some background so that you'll have some context for the rest of this post. Everything I learned about sex I learned from friends, most of which had older siblings. The majority of what I learned (especially in gradeschool) was wrong - on so many levels - but since I had nobody willing to correct this misinformation, it stuck for a good long while. The closest our gradeschool came to sex-ed was were they took the entire 4th grade, marched us to different locations (gym for boys, library for girls), showed us some "health" movie circa 1955 and dropped a tampon into a mason jar full of water, where it expanded to 20 times it's normal size and emotionally scarred me for life. I have no idea what they did with the boys, as we were all instructed NOT to speak about it under any circumstances with members of the opposite sex, lest the offense become part of our "permanent record".

Fast forward to 7th grade when my mother came into the bathroom one morning while I was getting ready for school (why she thought that would be the best time to talk, I have no idea!) She said she wanted to talk to me about sex. Horrified at the prospect of having that conversation with her, I told her that I already knew everything I needed to know. She turned around, walked out, and never spoke of it again. The next year was our "official" sex-ed class in school, whereby we were told that basically any kind of contact AT ALL with the opposite sex would result in various body parts rotting and falling off.

My husband's sex ed talk? Three whole words from his father: "It.Takes.Two."

Needless to say, we wanted it to be different for our son. We decided, way back when, that we would answer any and all questions that our son asked, in terms that he could understand (and without giving him more info than was age appropriate). We wanted to make sure that he felt comfortable talking to us about anything. As you can imagine, this has provided for some very entertaining dinner conversation ;) For a long time, he'd spring questions on me while we were driving, testing my ability to keep from careening into a tree.

Some of the questions we've had in the past:

"At what age do girls get their breasts?"

"What do breasts feel like, anyway? Are they squishy?"

"Why does my penis go "Boing!" when I see a pretty girl?" (Which is why hubby and I now call the level of hotness of a woman the "boing factor" ;)

Or how about this gem from last fall...

Scene: I've just picked bubba up from an acting camp.

Bubba: Is dad home? I have something I want to tell him.

Me: Yeah, he's home. What is it? Can you tell me about it?

Oh, I'll tell you once we start driving.

(My hands grip the wheel as I brace myself for impact. I know what this means. This means I'm about to be hit with information of "that" nature. I wait until we're on a straight stretch of road with few cars or trees that I can ram into before asking...)

So, what's going on?

(Proudly) I am no longer a member of the Never-Seen-A-Booby tribe!

I'm sorry, what? What on earth did you guys do at acting camp tonight?!?

Well, you know that girl that I fancy? (Yes, that's actually the term he uses for a girl he likes :) Well, I was kneeling down tying my shoe and she comes and bends over to pick her stuff up off of the floor and, mom, I swear I wasn't doing it on purpose, but I could see right down her shirt!

OMG - did she know that you saw down her shirt?

Naw, I played it cool. I can't wait to tell dad!

More recently we were hit with this conversation at dinner:

Bubba: What does sex feel like?

(Trying desperately not to fling the food that is poised on my fork across the room, I shoot hubby a sideways glance, desperately hoping he'll man up and field this question. He doesn't)

Me: Um, what do you mean by "feel"? Like, emotionally, when it's a bond between 2 people in a loving, committed relationship? (beads of sweat are forming, well, everywhere, as I desperately hope that his answer is "Yes".)

No, I mean what does it, you know, feel like.

So, you're wanting to know what it feels like when a penis is in a vagina? (Slightly hyperventilating now, while a bemused look crosses bubba's face as he tests to see just how close he can get me to an aneurysm without actually causing permanent damage. I shoot hubby another look, which he meets with a look that says "You're on your own, babe").

Yeah, that's what I want to know.

(Hubby is now giggling in his chair, absolutely no help at all. Bastard.)

Honey, would you like to jump in here?

Hubby (still giggling): Nope. You're doing fine.

Um, well, I'm not really sure how to describe it.

Is it, like, scratchy?

Scratchy? No. The vagina is a naturally lubricating body part.

OH MY GOD - you mean...it's slimy???

(The giggles completely overtake hubby and I at this point, and I ever-so-briefly consider saying "Yes! It's slimy and gross! Don't touch it!!" But I don't)

No, it's not slimy.

OK. Well, does the penis have to be hard to have sex?

Um, yeah, it's kinda a requirement.

Well...why?

'Cause it would be like trying to thread a limp spaghetti noodle through a straw.

Ooohhh. OK.

(And he continues eating his dinner while I wonder if I should go and lie down with my legs elevated in order to prevent shock).

So, have you had "the talk" with your kids? Was it horrible? Hilarious? What about the talk you received from your parents? C'mon - I can't be the *only* one with these stories!